Queen bee, p.20
Queen Bee, page 20
I tried again a few days later, adding my positive comment to their negativity to try and balance it out, but the same response came back. On my third attempt, someone piped up.
Are you working for her or something?
I panicked. I didn’t know how else to get out of the situation I had put myself in. I ignored the comment, but the next time someone posted something about me, I decided I needed to even out my positivity with a few negative comments. I started out by saying a few pointless things like:
What was she thinking?
Why did she do that?
Which fuelled so much more hatred, as they all came back with their backlog of reasons as to what they thought they knew about me and my family. I began to mix it up more but found that no matter how many positive comments I wrote to their negativity, someone always shot me straight back down again.
Then one day someone picked up on my inconsistencies and said that I was me, only undercover. I panicked again. I didn’t want to be found out and be exposed. They already hated me. What would they have to say if they knew it was me undercover? So I upped the negativity and before I knew it, I was joining in with their slanging matches. I can’t even think about some of the things I mentioned and how many of my loved ones I talked about with such disrespect. I made crass comments about women I had recently considered friends. I talked about David in such a derogatory way, I can’t even bear to think of the things I said about him. I slagged off myself to the point I didn’t even know who I was any more. I drew the line at Anabel – she was still a little girl.
But somewhere, behind the scenes, someone had not given up and had managed to piece together the order of my inconsistencies with certain posts and how when that someone had tried to out me the first time, I quickly changed my tune. I had been found out. And they destroyed me. But not as much as I destroyed myself. The stuff that I had written, every word of it, was suddenly out there all over the internet, all over Instagram and even showed up on online news sites.
I was a mess. I took myself off Instagram. I rarely used the internet if I could help it, I was so fearful of coming across anything about myself. I was losing sleep. David began to spend more nights away in hotels for work, even though we were still living in London and he was a short drive away.
I retreated from Anabel and her affections. A few people came around and tried to spur me on, but mainly it was just Anabel and me spending day after day in the house. I didn’t know what to do with her, I couldn’t lift myself out of the black hole. Anabel came to me daily to try to coax me out of myself, but it was taking too long. Something needed to be done, something I had been considering for such a long time, and it seemed like exactly the right time for it to happen.
A few months after the troll site drama, we moved to Helesbury.
‘And so here I am,’ I said, feeling the energy drain out of me. Dredging up the past was exhausting.
‘It’s a really mad crazy story. I mean, not story. I know it’s your life. Was your life. But you explained yourself articulately enough. I understand how these things work,’ Evie said.
‘So, so you don’t hate me?’
‘Miranda, I could never hate you.’
I sucked in a huge breath and expelled it. ‘Okay. Well, now I have got that out in the open, and you understand it was a past mistake and I have grown so incredibly as a person since then, do you mind if I talk to you about something else? Something a little more delicate?’
Evie frowned. ‘Okay.’
‘Today at the picnic, I took Juno to the toilet with me. She finished up quickly and waited for us outside. Only, when I came out with Anabel, I saw Verity with her. Juno looked visibly distressed. Verity had her hand around Juno’s arm and was trying to get her to do something, to go with her, and Juno was clearly telling her no, and Verity wasn’t listening.’ I waited a beat for a reaction from Evie. But nothing came. ‘I confronted her and asked her what she was doing. She let go of Juno, but she was very rude to me. And that wasn’t the first time she’s been rude to me. She was rude when she saw me with my friend Betty, and she worked out who she was. She’d been following all that stuff on social media apparently and knew the whole story inside out.’
I waited again to see if Evie would say anything. She was now looking forward at the fireplace, only occasionally flitting her eyes to me. She remained silent.
‘And,’ I added, trying for a third time to make the words sink in. ‘That was not the first time I saw Verity and Juno together, with Juno looking and sounding uncomfortable.’ I was getting nothing back from Evie, but I continued. ‘At my barbeque, she said something to Juno out in the hallway, and Juno again sounded distressed, and when I looked into the hallway, Verity was walking away, and Juno was just standing there looking… I don’t know… unhappy.’
The silence in the room was palpable.
‘And, she told Juno off for running around at the barbeque,’ I continued. ‘Which was weird, don’t you think?’ I knew I sounded desperate now. I waited several seconds and finally Evie spoke.
‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Miranda.’
That was one of my pet hates, as if my whole being there was just to get some sort of reaction from her. I wanted her to know because Juno was her daughter, and I felt her safety was being jeopardised by Verity.
‘I don’t want you to say anything, but surely you must have something to say on the matter, on any of the matters?’
Evie seemed to think for a moment.
‘Okay, Miranda, I can see how this may all seem to you. You haven’t really quite taken to Verity—’
‘Has anyone?’ I snorted.
‘I admit, yes, she is a different sort of character. But the whole Juno thing… Juno is a complicated girl. She hasn’t always had it easy, and I don’t want to go into it, but sometimes, she is prone to overreacting. Being a bit whingy even.’
‘But, Evie, Verity had her hand on Juno’s arm and Juno was asking her to stop!’
Evie screwed her face up. ‘She was probably acting up. And Verity is the sort of person who felt it appropriate to say or do something. She wasn’t hitting her or dragging her. You said she had her hand on her arm.’
I cleared my throat. ‘Yes.’
‘On or around? Because before you said around her arm.’
I looked at Evie, stunned. Was she trying to protect Verity’s actions? I thought back to the toilet incident and tried to remember if Verity’s hand was on or around Juno’s arm. Was she pulling her, or guiding her? Suddenly, it all seemed a little fuzzy. I didn’t know what to say. Had I imagined it all? Was my mind constructing Verity as a bad character because of the way I felt about her moving in on Evie? I knew I hadn’t imagined the venom in her voice when she spoke to me outside my car and outside the village hall.
‘Verity is a complex character, I’ll give you that,’ Evie continued. ‘She also likes to keep herself to herself. So maybe she became a little offended when she found out about the whole Instagram past thing and that she thought it inappropriate that Juno should be featured on your, whatever you call it—’
‘Grid,’ I said.
‘Right. Grid.’
I shook my head. ‘Can I ask, Evie, what is it about Verity that draws you two together? I know you are allowed more than one friend, but you have been – from my perspective – spending a considerable amount of time with her over me since she moved here.’
‘I like to spend time with lots of people, Miranda. I think you may have just interpreted it that way.’ Evie sounded exhausted, as though this conversation was now draining the life out of her.
I shook my head. ‘I don’t… I don’t know.’ Again, she had bamboozled me. Had I misinterpreted it?
‘But you were with her that day when you went to see Frank?’ I pushed on.
Evie shifted in her seat. ‘Did I say that?’
‘You said in your text to me “On our way back”. I wondered who you were referring to, as I presumed you went alone. To see Frank.’
‘I did,’ she said firmly. ‘I spend all my time with Juno. I must have put “our” by mistake. I am so used to it always being the two of us.’
‘Oh,’ I said. That did make sense. I had no proof that Evie had been with Verity that day. But I did have proof of one thing. That there was no Frank Pollard staying at the John Radcliffe Hospital. But I was reluctant to say it because it was clear from every one of my statements that Evie had batted away that she thought I was imagining the whole thing. But she did say the John Radcliffe Hospital and I did check. But to tell her would make me seem quite needy, creepy even. But I had nothing left.
‘You said Frank was staying at the John Radcliffe. But I called and checked and there was no Frank Pollard there.’
Evie let out a loud sigh this time. ‘Jesus, Miranda. Are you stalking me now?’
Panic rose in my chest. This was the last thing I had intended or expected. I was not one of those mad, needy women. I just wanted Evie to understand how all this was making me feel.
‘I was never a stalker, Evie! I thought because you said “our” in your text, I presumed you had chosen to take Verity with you to support you that day. So, I don’t know why, but yes, I checked.’ I felt the heat rising through my chest into my face.
‘If I remember, it was you who asked me was he staying at the John Radcliffe,’ Evie snapped back. ‘And I had just had a shock that day and I wasn’t thinking straight, so I must have just said yes. He was actually at the Nuffield. It’s private. I had forgotten. It was a long day, with the drive and the shock.’
‘Okay.’ A wave of guilt rushed over me like a tsunami. ‘I’m sorry, Evie, I really am. I just—’
‘I think, Miranda, you need to take a step back,’ Evie said firmly.
I sat up straight as though she had struck me.
‘You obviously have some sort of bee in your bonnet about Verity,’ she continued, ‘which I think stems from your trauma over the Instagram thing, which wasn’t that long ago, and I would imagine that level of exposure would affect anyone’s well-being, and I think Verity has triggered something in you. Whatever it is, I don’t want or need my family’s lives under a microscope and for you to be constantly watching and analysing our every move.’
‘It’s not that. I’m not doing that to you. It’s Verity, she has been rude to me and—’
‘Just stop, Miranda. Please!’ Evie bellowed. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ She dropped her voice to a whisper, knowing any shouting would wake Juno, and turned away from me as her voice broke on the last word.
I took a deep breath and sat back and waited. Too shocked to say anything, too scared that these might be our final words to one another.
‘Just go and chill out and enjoy your life in the countryside. That was what you came here to do, wasn’t it? Not get caught up in worrying about what everyone else is up to.’ Evie spoke more reservedly.
I looked down into my lap. I had a sudden urge to wretch as my throat tightened and my mouth became watery. ‘Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry,’ I said hurriedly. I needed to fix the situation, there and then. I didn’t want to lose Evie. I couldn’t lose Evie. But she spoke first.
‘It’s fine, Miranda. I just… I just think we shouldn’t see as much of one another for a while. I haven’t seen or heard from you for a week, and actually, I was fine with it.’
I felt the panic rising in me. ‘Our kids, the girls, they love spending time with each other. We can’t drag them into this, it’s not fair.’
‘They can still see one another at school, and if they want to have play dates, they can. I wouldn’t deny the girls their time.’
I screwed my face in frustration. I felt like a helpless child. ‘You make it sound like you’re breaking up with me.’ I almost laughed the words, but the anxiety was rising high in my chest. I couldn’t control what was happening here. I didn’t want to hear the words, but still they came at me.
‘I just, I don’t know what it is. Just please, Miranda, would you mind if you left me alone? I’ve had a really long, tiring day. I need to go to bed.’
She wanted me to go? Evie had never asked me to go in the whole time I had known her. Usually, we would be chatting long into the night and forget what the time was, the next day laughing about how tired or hung-over we were. Was this it? Was I losing her for good? I was a complete failure. I couldn’t hang on to one decent friendship.
I sat still for a moment, then when Evie didn’t say anything else, I stood up and walked to the door and opened it. She stayed in her seat, looking straight ahead into the empty fireplace.
‘Okay, well, goodnight then. I’ll see you around.’ I felt my insides go weak, as though I needed to sit down again, but I wanted to leave with some dignity.
I saw Evie nod, but she said nothing else. I closed the lounge door behind me and went through the hallway towards the front door. As I did, I heard a sound. I turned and saw a flash of white nightgown on the stairs. Juno. Had she been listening?
I let myself out of the front door and closed it quietly behind me. I stood on the other side of the door, oblivious to anyone or anything, and let out a loud sob.
36
10 May 2019 – 4.13 p.m. – Gloucester Police Station
Interview with Hatty Whilloby (continued)
Miranda and I had many conversations prior to that night at the pub. We talked a bit about Verity, and we both came to the conclusion that she was quite lost and that maybe there was some trauma there. But we couldn’t fathom why she would come to a village like Helesbury and want to keep herself to herself. But then I don’t know any other writers – if that’s how they all act, I’m not sure I want to know any more.
A lot of people don’t notice things about other people – too into their own worlds, you see. But I do. But I didn’t ever mention to Miranda that I knew how frustrated she had become since Verity arrived in the village. I didn’t want to rile her up. There was a rumour that she had been involved in some sort of social media scandal. Poor thing. No wonder she became so affected by what was going on around her. She had no control over any of it. I didn’t know in the beginning why Evie and Verity became so close so quickly. Of course, I understand now. But the attention that Evie gave Verity really took its toll on Miranda. And to be honest, it wasn’t really a lot of attention. From what I saw in the beginning, it was their single status that drew them together. I could tell that Miranda was slowly starting to go mad with it. I could see the way she looked at Verity and Evie – she was always checking them out. Especially at the picnic in the park. I think that was when she really seemed to get affected. She was so distant all day. I guessed there was some sort of rift between her and Evie that day, because those two had been joined at the hip, but at the picnic they didn’t go anywhere near each other. I have a sort of sixth sense for this sort of thing. Miranda always struck me as the sort of person to not take things lying down. And well, she didn’t, did she? Not in the end.
37
I woke the next morning feeling as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Losing a real friend hurt so much that I realised that any of the friendships that came before were worth nothing. What I had with Evie was the real thing. The pain was just as intense as from any first-love break-up. Luckily, it was a Sunday, and so I didn’t have to be anywhere or organise anything. Except I remembered with sudden panic that David was going to play golf today, which meant I would be on my own with Anabel and she would want to be entertained. How could I entertain an eight-year-old girl when my heart was shattered into tiny pieces? I could barely lift my head off the pillow, let alone bring a smile to my lips or make the day fun for her. I remembered how hard it was when everything kicked off on the troll site and I was exposed for the liar I had been. I had neglected Anabel back then, too. I couldn’t do that to her again. I had to find a way to pause the pain during the day. I could let it smother me in the evening when she couldn’t witness it, but when she was awake, I needed to be there for her.
I decided there was only one thing for it. I would take her into town, take her to Claire’s Accessories for some new hair stuff, stop at Pizza Express for lunch and then head to the cinema. That way, I wouldn’t need to put on a fake smile – retail therapy and a funny film would do the job for me.
David was already up and getting himself ready for the day, so I got up and showered and slowly dressed so that I would look half-decent and not like someone who was crumbling away on the inside. I had managed to bypass David last night, as he had fallen asleep on the sofa when I got home, and went straight up to bed. He didn’t come up until about three in the morning, and I hadn’t really slept a wink.
I arrived downstairs in tight white jeans and a pink T-shirt. David was packing the car with his clubs. The kitchen reeked of bacon, and I thought I might puke.
‘Where’s Anabel?’ I asked as he came back into the house to collect his phone and the rest of his sandwich.
‘Oh, morning, love. She’s in the garden. It’s such a beautiful day, she wanted to have her breakfast with nature.’ David smiled. I felt my cold, broken heart warm a little at the thought of Anabel sat outside, eating her breakfast, and so I said goodbye to David – making sure I plastered on my best smile, assuring him all was well and I was only a little tired this morning – made myself a cup of tea and went outside and joined her. I found her at the bottom of the garden where we had put a small table and a couple of chairs there, mainly for Anabel and her friends. It was surrounded by low-hanging trees and the birds were singing such a loud sweet song that the sight of Anabel in her dressing gown with her bowl of Cheerios was quite enough to make me feel a little more whole again. After all, she and David were my world. Friends made everything rosier, but I had my daughter and my husband, and I needed to be thankful for that.
